As a dream
by AcqueCristalline
Summary: Strange events will go round Allen, Lenalee and Lavi. They entered a strange city, meeting with someone unexpected! What will they do? CHAPTER 10 IS UP! REVIEWS!
1. Chapter 1

**Hi, everyone! This is my first fanfic! Go easy 'cause I'm Italian and as one English isn't my first language! So, if I make some grammatical or orthographical mistakes, please, tell me!**

**Good reading, and reviews!!**

**Chapter1. Slightly shook from his dream **

The city was bigger than they thought. From the path where they were, they could see long streets like endless river go straight on directly to the sun: it was so huge... and the end wasn't even in sight. At its sides, the mountains gently formed two of his frames, while, the third border was like one thing with the bloody horizon. The houses went round the centre of the city, where a colossal dome silently slept. It was slightly illumined by the last crimson sun's beams, so it seemed just a part of the sky.

They went on. While they were entering the city, the moon was raising up from its bedstead; not a sound disturbed the area.

"This place is... so _scary_" Lavi said with a fake hint of fear in his voice "Look! The sky is red as blood, a no one is out! And there a terrible silence, too! Like an horror book! Don't you think, beansprout?"

"One more time: my name is A-L-L-E-N!!"

"Yes, yes... whatever you say, beansprout"

"Lavi, I'l-"

"Shh!!" Suddenly, Lenalee, stopped "Are you hearing this sound?"

"What sound?"

"I'm not hearing anything..."

"Shh!!" She said one more time, looking in front of her. She was sure. Distantly, like a dream's whisper, someone was crying. She almost... but he\she was a child. A very little child that was sobbing frantically.

"A child?"

"Yes! You heard it! It's like a child who's crying!"

"But... from where?" Asked Allen, looking around, unsure what to do. He didn't hear anything, but if Lenalee and Lavi...

"Look! Someone's coming!" Lavi abruptly screamed, pointing at the darkness in front of them.

"No one is..." But the exorcist stopped within his words. A human's shape emerged from the night's shadows, walking straight on the streets, like he wanted to meet them. Second by second, his face was almost under the moon's light, and when it was... _He isn't an Akuma_, thought Allen, a little perplex. So... what an human was doing, in abandoned city like that? What if he was a member of Noah family... His appearance, familiar. Yes, Allen had already seen that man... but... where? Strangely, he didn't feel any fear, like he knew the guy wasn't evil. Strange, definitely strange.

"Who are you!?" Asked Lavi, but nothing came, and the stranger just continued to go like he couldn't see anyone of them.

A step...

_Where I've seen...? This man..._

He was very close...

_Just a little nearer, so I can see your face..._

The moon illuminated his head.

_He's wearing a black hat. A long black hat... wait! I already seen that..._

Allen froze, remembering.

"_How could you! How could you turn..."_

"_Don't stop! Allen, don't stop until you die!"_

_It's not possible... it's..._

"Allen, what are you doing?" The teen didn't give attention to Lenalee voice. He went on, to the stranger, his heart beating, his eyes burning.

"Allen..."

_It's not possible..._

"_Don't stop until you die..."_

_It can't be... he was... he was..._

"Allen! You don't know if he's of our side!!"

_But..._

"Allen, turn back!!"

_He is_

"Allen!!"

_in front of me!_

Allen stopped, in front of the man, two lines of tears went down his cheeks. He couldn't believe in what he was seeing...

"_Mana_...?"

**I hope you liked it! It's a little short, but the others chapters will be long! Chapter two will be out soon, and it will be named "The other things that I can't say" **

**:-D AcqueCristalline **


	2. The things that I can't say

**Only one thing: I want say thanks to feefee223 and X Inori x for their nice words! Thankyou very much! **

**And here we go, chapter two!**

_But..._

"Allen, turn back!!"

_He is_

"Allen!!"

_in front of me!_

Allen stopped, in front of the man, two lines of tears went down his cheeks. He couldn't believe in what he was seeing...

"_Mana_...?"

**2. The things that I can't say**

"_Mana_...?"

But the man just didn't stop at Allen's words, he passed through him, and he went on, as a ghost... and maybe he was.

"Wait..." The teen quickly turned around, burning tears on his flushed cheeks, a feared and hopeful look into his pale eyes. He just stayed there, his hands shaking at his sides, thanks to what he was seeing. He couldn't believe... It was just not possible, for nature's laws, for... a dead couldn't turn back! A dead, under metres of cold earth, under a grave, dead into a coffin: maybe... maybe Allen was just dreaming. _Yes, it's a dream_, he decided. But his heart didn't give up his last hope. Because if it was truth...

He suddenly broke out into a ran, trying to follow the already gone man, but stopped by Lenalee and Lavi.

"Allen! Where are you going!?

"I want to follow him!! Let me go, let me go!!"

"Allen...!!"

"Shut up! He... he's... he's here! I don't care how, but he's here!"

"He's dead!! How can he be him!?"

"Lavi is right, Allen! He can't be your father!"

"_Why!?"_

"Because he's dead, Allen!"

"But..." Lenalee was right, Lavi was right, but... his heart just didn't want to not believe. His heart was screaming to follow him, that he was _really_ Mana, he was his dad, came back somehow from death... but he was here. He was here, near him, and he could hug him, he could talk to him, he could... a lot of things! His confident mind was already imagining what they could do together "...I don't care... Let me go!" He wanted to...

"We're coming with you!"

"Yes, do what you want! But let me go, _please...!!_" The last word: Lenalee and Lavi couldn't do anything but let him go. He was so frantic while he was saying it, just like a child who wanted to go to his mom... The look, a deep hint of sadness, and mostly, desperation... desperation to believe that, desperation that it will be all a dream, all fake: Mana wasn't here. But Allen... a little, fill with relief smile onto his lips, gleams of tears flied behind him, dieing on the cold ground, his heart was knocking hard on his chest's wall, like it wanted to go out, Timcampy wasn't in sight, even if the thought of it didn't bother him... Allen was running fast only to see one more time his adoptive father's face, his beam. He didn't understand... yes, he knew that probably it was only a dream, because it was not possible, it was just incredible somewhat like that, but... even if it was a dream, even if it was a fake... maybe an Akuma who assumed his father's appearance... he could kill it, if it was really an Akuma, and like a dream, he could just took the pleasure of fakes embraces. And when he'll wake up, he will feel good, as a child after a cake. He didn't care... just... just... _just, please, let me stay with him for a little while..._

But he stopped, when nothing came into view. Where was he? _Where am I!? Damn, I'm lost..._Thought Allen, slightly annoyed. Two streets at his sides, and one in front of him, and they all went on without end. He looked down, maybe crazily thinking that he could find some footsteps... he only found a brilliant puddle illuminated by the moon. Allen stared at his reflex. He couldn't see his face, because the light was behind him, and even the moon was reflected into the little lake on the ground. The sky was still coloured by a strange tinge of scarlet red, and maybe it was the moon's blood...

"Allen!"

"We finally found you!!"

Turning back, he met with his friends' eyes "Hm?"

"Are you okay? Where's... the man?"

"I don't know" Allen said, feeling again frustrated "I don't know! I lost him... I think he's somewhere near, but I can't find him..." He bit his lip, trying to not cry the tears of hopeless that was piercing painfully his heart.

"Maybe h-"

"Shh! Listen!" Lenalee started to look around her "The child! I can hear him again!"

"You're right! But from where!?"

Allen could now hear the hysterically sobs and screams of the child. He\She was an infant, indeed.

"Look! The man is coming!"

The exorcist quickly turned left to see Mana coming from one of the endless streets. He was looking down, maybe searching somewhat... maybe he was searching the child "Mana..." Again, Allen found himself stopped without anything to do. Anything the he _could_ do "Mana, wait... please, wait..."

The man just didn't hear Allen's words, and he passed one more time through him, like a spectre "Mana..." He heard his voice shake, and tears start to fall on his already wet cheeks. Why couldn't he see them?

"Allen! We found the child!"

"Allen... he's better if you come to take a look... This child is really strangely... familiar..."

"Hm?" Allen came to see what Lenalee and Lavi were talking about.

And he froze again, now confused "What!? This is... this is impossible!"

"And maybe I understand" Lavi said, a little, sad smile on his lips. The other two looked at him "Komui said that maybe in this city there's an Innocence, right?"

They nodded.

"Well... strange events occur when it's near, right? So... what if this Innocence is showing Allen's past!"

"_What!?_" Allen and Lenalee said in unison.

"Allen, you said Mana found you after your parents abandoned you, right?"

"Yes..."

"Well, I think this child is you, and Mana... well, I think he finds you"

A shadow was behind them.

**Well? You liked it? Wait for chapter three! **

**:D AcqueCristalline**


	3. Authore note

**Sorry if I haven't still update anything... This week I'm full with business, so you must wait until the other one! I'm sorry... I have, anyway, some questions:**

**1. Does someone know when Mana died how old was Allen?**

**2. The Innocence is showing Allen's past... do you want that it shows Lavi and Lenalee's pasts, too, after his?**

**3. Lenalee's eyes are green, right?**

**If someones knows, please, tell me! **

**Ah! Chapter3 will be named "Fireflies into darkness" **

**Thankyou very much to all who reviewed!**

**:D AcqueCristalline **


	4. Fireflies into darkness

**I can't keep my promises... I said that until the next week I couldn't update, and instead... (I had an unexpected inspiration yesterday night). Well, this is chapter3! And I hope you will appreciate it!**

**Only one thing: thanks to Hikari Dragoness of Light and Vicky Chan for answer at my questions! **

"_I'm only a simple human..."** Allen Walker, episode 5** _

**3. Fireflies into darkness**

A shadow was behind them.

_This is... this is when my parents abandoned me... and Mana found me_, he silently thought, not wanting to turn back to see his adoptive father's face.

_Abandoned_... what a awful word was. He sounded so wrong... Abandon a child, a child that alone wasn't even able to stand on his legs. Allen sighed with repulsion: maybe, if his true parents didn't throw him away, maybe... maybe not a thing would happen. Nothing! Now he would be around with his friends, laughing, without scars, or white hair, or Akuma... he didn't know them, but he _hated_ them. He wordlessly hope to see their faces and he... he...

Allen sighed again with repulsion, but this time, he hated himself. How he could even think things like those!? Only monsters want to do things like those... only monsters... his parents were right when they abandoned him!

They were right...

_...right..._

_Am I this monster...?_

Suddenly, he felt an hand dry his tears away. Looking in front of him, he found Lenalee with a sad look stared at him, her pale hand on his cheek "Sorry" She said "This is must be hard for you... to revive your past"

"You don't have to be sorry..."

"But I am. Because _I_ suggested to brother that you could came too"

"And me too!" Said Lavi, coming near "Because I didn't stop you earlier"

"Do you want to come home with me?" Unexpectedly a voice said. Everyone turned back to see Mana stared at the already sleeping form of little Allen between his arms, his cute snowy eyes now hidden under his eyelids "How can I name you?" The man touched his arm, and he wasn't scared of that "You will be Allen. You liked it?"

_I like it..._

Allen felt one more time thankful to the man, without him, he would be dead now... but... strangely he couldn't take off the feeling of sadness... he couldn't stop the tears falling on the cold ground. And now that he was thinking about it, he maybe understood what that emotion was truly...

_Envy?_

_Am I envious?_ Allen thought, his eyes opened with puzzlement.

_Am I envious of... _

_...of myself?_

He couldn't believe that... was he jealous of his younger equivalent because he was between Mana's arms? He was invidious because he couldn't feel that? What a pitiful emotion...

"Allen, are you okay?" Looking at Lenalee, he found his gaze blurry with new tears. And without be aware, he was clenching his teeth, gritting his fists...

"I'm fine..."

"Are you sure? You look like... like..."

"Like?"

"Like you're angry..."

_I'm envious! Idiot me, I'm envious of myself! I'm so pitiful..._

"Allen...?" Lavi slowly approached him "Are you okay, beanspr-"

"SHUT UP, LAVI!! JUST SHUT UP!!" He screamed, turning back, trembling with rage. _Damn, Allen, calm down... Lavi didn't do nothing... why are you angry!?_

"Hey, be quiet! I was only trying to cheer you up!"

"SHUT UP!"

"Allen, you need to-"

"DIDN'T YOU HEAR!? I SAID SHUT UP! YOU CAN'T SAY TO ME TO BE QUIET! TO CALM DOWN! YOU DON'T KNOW HOW I'M FEELING! YOU DON'Y KNOW NOTHING! I'M REVIVING MY PAST... YOU THINK IS SIMPLE FOR ME!? EH!?" Allen turned again to his friends, cries like crazy rivers on his cheeks "YOU THINK IT, DON'T YOU!? WELL, IT'S NOT! I'M ANGRY, I'M SAD, I'M... I'M SICKENED WITH MYSELF BECAUSE I'M EVEN ENVIOUS OF MY YOUNGER VERSION BECAUSE HE CAN HUG MANA AND I CAN'T! AND I CAN'T STOP TO CRY!" He sobbed "I-I can't stop to cry! Damn you, damn these t-tears!" He leaved himself falling on the ground, sitting against it, weeping miserly "Damn... damn...! I can't st-top..." _Why can't I stop to cry!? Why can't I stop to shake..._

"Allen..."

"...s-shut up..."

"Allen, I'm sorry"

"...do-n't touc-... ch me..."

He felt Lenalee's arms came around his body "Allen, we're really sorry. You're right, we cannot know how you're feeling... we're sorry"

"It'...s"

_It's just not right..._

"And I cann-... ot und-derstand why..."

_Why can't I stop to cry?_

"And I want to..."

_I want to hug him!_

"I wan-...t to emb-brace him... j... jus... just o-one more t-time..."

_One more time will be enough..._

"And..."

_I can't..._

"...and..."

_I can't!!_

"...I... can...t..."

_I can't._

_I can't hug Mana even if he's in front of me!_

"I can't!" And with these words, he embraced Lenalee too, start again to sob gloomy, this time on her shoulder.

"Allen..." Lenalee wanted to say something, something to take out even a little, little smile on Allen's lips... but her mouth couldn't open, like she was afraid to worsen the already bad things.

"We have to follow him" Suddenly Lavi said.

"What?"

"We have to follow him" He repeated, looking to where Mana dissolved "Maybe the Innocence is where he goes" The exorcist turned to them, smiling "We have to follow him"

But Lenalee gave him a severe look, saying "Allen is not in the cond-"

"Wait, wait! What did Allen say?" Lavi frowned, like he was trying to remember something "Ah! Yes, now I remember! He said that Mana said that he must go on until he'll die, right?" He smiled "You're not observing this words!"

"Lavi, this is no-"

"Don't you think you too, Lenalee? He don't have time to cry, don't you think? He must go up and go on! _Don't you think?_"

Suddenly, the girl understood what his friend was trying to do. Maybe, distracting Allen from his sad thoughts, he would smile... Momentary, but he would smile for a minute. And this would be enough.

"Yes..." She said "Lavi's right, Allen. We must follow him and find the Innocence. He's our job"

_Our job? Yes... my job is now find Innocence and destroy Akuma... _

"Come on! Stand up so we can follow him!"

_I cannot anymore stop because of stupid things like emotions... right? I live only for this... right, Mana? I destroyed you... then, I decided that my reason to live was that... I destroyed you because I'm an exorcist, and exorcists destroy Akuma. Only living with this reason I can live without feeling "guilty"_

_(even if I am)_

_or "regretful". But I'm a human, right? A little human who is following his heart... _

_Ah, ah... I can't even stop to cry!_

_But I have to stop._

_I have because of my being exorcist._

_I have because of my words to you, Mana._

_I have to stand up and go on, because it's this what I must do! What I _can _do! _

_And... _

_I can only save emotions for later, right? _

He smiled, standing up "Let's go"

_Right? _

**Long, eh?**

**Anyway, chapter4 will take MUCH time. I haven't any idea for that... I think it will be named something like "Feverish dreams"... but I'm not really sure how it will go out...**

**Mana is so hard to describe!**

**He gives to me the feelings of a rough man, and I can't imagine him playing with "little cute Allen"! Maybe I put in a woman... she takes care of Allen like for two years, and after she will die, so Allen can't remember her... **

**I'm evil, right?**

**Ah! and after Allen's past, Lenalee and Lavi's pasts too will be revealed! Even if I must invent ALL of Lavi's past because anyone talks about it... Maybe I can make a humoristic fanfiction on his! Hm... yes, it's a really good idea! **

**Well, because my parents want to go somewhere for the New Year's Eve, I can't update anything next days! **

**So, Happy New Year to everyone and wait for chapter4!**

**:D AcqueCristalline **


	5. The snowman

**First, I want to say thanks to all reviewed my story! Thankyou very much!**

**Second: sorry! I said that chapter 4 will be named "Feverish dreams", instead... chapter5 will be "Feverish dreams"!**

**Third: the other chapters will be worse and worse (worse because they will be a nightmare for little poor Allen)... so I wrote this before those. The calm before the storm, or something like this...**

**Good reading, and I hope you will laugh! (I will call the younger Allen "little Allen", so everyone will understand)**

**4. The snowman**

It was snowing: slight bows of ice like dandruff were falling on the already white city, and the sun wasn't in sight under those snowy clouds.

"I wonder why is snowing..."

"Sometimes it snows, Lavi"

"Yes, I know that... _but at July!!_"

Allen sighed "Well, I believe today is _that _day"

"What day?"

"When I was little, it snowed. And that was the first time for me that I saw the snow, so..."

"Can I go out and play with the snow? Eh? Can I?"

Allen moaned again, saying "So, _this_"

"You will become ill with this cold weather" The answer of Mana came cold like a blizzard, and instantly little Allen put on cute pale-blue big eyes "But...!! Please! I will... If it will become too cold, I'll return home! It's the first time and maybe the last that I see the snow and I can play with it..." Fake tears came to help the small one.

Allen heard his father groaned and he nearly laughed at how he could be annoying

"Go! Do whatever you want! But if I even hear you sneeze..." but _awfully_ persuasive, when he was younger.

And Mana didn't have time to end his phrase, that little Allen was already outside, yelping joyfully "Thanks, thanks, thanks, dad! I love you!"

"That little brat..." Muttered the man, giving to the child a last gaze before return at his business: trying to make burn a fire that didn't want to stay alive.

"Really, Allen... you _were_ a brat" Lavi said, laughing at him.

"I was little"

"When I was little I was more and more, and more, and more..."

"We have understood, Lavi" Lenalee and Allen said at unison.

"...and more, and more, more, more, more..."

"Lavi, stop!"

"...more, more, more..."

"Lavi..."

"...more..."

"...can..."

"...more, more..."

"...you..."

"...more, more, more and more..."

"...STOP!?"

"...and more lovely!"

"Finally!" Lenalee and Allen said at unison again.

"Look! Cute little Allen is trying to make a snowman!" Lavi yelled, pointing a finger to the child.

The older one froze "Cute... little?"

"Yes, you were very cute and very, very, very small. I'm really sure about that" He nodded, a solemn look into his eyes.

"Ahhhh!!"

And at that dreadful shriek, the three exorcists quickly turned to little Allen, already prepared to attack everything was assaulting the poor child...

"An Akuma!?"

"Damn, if he..."

"Innocence, active!!"

...only finding the "poor child" buried alive under a metre of snow. While Lenalee and Allen looked at each other with puzzled gazes, Lavi started to laugh "Ah, ah, ah! The terrible monster was... _snow!!_"

"You know... in the 97 of the cases, the people die choked under metres of snow"

Lenalee nodded in agreement, but Lavi said "You have invented that now, right?"

"..."

"_Right?_"

"...yes... but now we have more important things to do!"

"Like?"

"Like save me!!" And he started to run to save his little one version, who was choking under metres of snow. Unfortunately, his foot slipped on the icy ground, so, not only one Allen must be saved, but two.

"Allen, you're an idiot"

"Sbob mabe bun ob me anb bame bo helb me, bamn you!!" (He's having an hard time to talk with metres of snow inside his mouth... if someone didn't understand, here the translation: "Stop make fun of me and came to help me, damn you!!"

"Why are you writing this story against me...?" teary eyes

"YOU!? WHY ARE YOU OUTSIDE OF MY STORY!?"

"..."

"EH!?"

"...didn't want to choke under metres of snow..."

"They want tragedy, and I only give them what they want. So, GO BACK!!"

"Them, who?"

"Them: the reading public"

"...I hate them..."

"Me too \nothing personal!\ but now... PLEASE, GO BACK!"

"...'kay..."

"Finally..." phew

"Hey! How are you doing?"

"...Lavi...?"

"Yes! The only one!"

"GO. BACK!!"

"Someone is angry, eh?"

"If you don't go back I will ask to the Earl of the Millennium to torture you to death"

"You can't do something like this!"

"I'm the writer, I can do ALL I want"

shudder "I go back right now"

"Good boy!"

And finally we can go back to the story!)

"Sbob mabe bun ob me anb bame bo helb me, bamn you!!"

"Yes, yes... whatever you want, beansprout"

And finally, Allen could breathe and talk like a normal person "Thanks..." He sighed, looking at his younger body, who was free too, and that was making a strange snowman... a _really_ strange one.

"You know, Allen..."

"Yes?"

Lavi turned to him with a shining look "That snowman... it seems like..."

"Like?"

"Like !" (Sorry, but I leave what the snowman looks like at your imagination)

And, then little Allen sneezed.

**You liked it? I know the story isn't truly "happy", but I really wanted to put a funny chapter... after all, even in the anime or in the manga, there are funny chapters! I'm sure that sometimes make a laugh is okay between the falling cries (...wow... I wonder from where these words came...)**

**: D AcqueCristalline **


	6. Feverish dreams part 1

**First: thanks to all who reviewed me! **

**Second: I'm evil... very, very evil... This chapter will be a TRUE nightmare for the "Allens". I'm disgusted with myself... well, bad reading... ehm... good reading... **

**Third: the chapter, from now, will be update more not often, because with the school I'm full of business, sorry. **

"_And then, little Allen sneezed"_

**5. Feverish dreams part1: Petite interlude of sorrow **

"What did I say!?"

"Sorry..."

"Yes, yes, you're always sorry!! Why didn't you do what I said!?"

"...I'm sorry..." Little Allen murmured again, eyes on the ground.

"You're so stupid, sometimes!! Life is not a game!! Or maybe you're thinking it, because looking at your behaviour... You perfectly know that we can't afford much expenses, and you're ill! You know how much cost the medicines!?"

The child remained silent, still looking at his feet, not enough gutsy to look into his father's eyes.

"Look at me while I'm talking!! What were you doing outside!?"

"...a snowman..."

"Well, that was your last possibility!! The next time when it will snow, don't even think to go outside!!! You will be inside the house the whole time!!"

"But it isn't fair!!" The thought of never again play with the snow was awful...

"_It's isn't fair!?_" Mana screamed, a furious gaze pointed into little Allen's pale-blue eyes "If you didn't go outside, maybe nothing of this will happened! It's your fault, and you must take your responsibility!!!"

"I hate you!!" The child yelled for answer, but feeling bad while he was saying it. It was not true, but... it wasn't fair! He was just playing! Why the adults were always to boring!?

And then, Mana slapped him.

It was not the pain... but the burning feeling inside his heart: his father had never hit him, never when he was angry. And now... He blinked gently trying to stop the already falling tears. He couldn't believe that. He just couldn't...

"You're an arrogant child, you know?" Little Allen didn't like his quiet tone "When I found you... I thought you could be a good child... but I was wrong" He sighed, looking directly onto his eyes, and Allen saw angriness with a piece of sadness "No wonder why your parents throw away you"

Little Allen froze, like the older one outside.

"I..."

**Ah, ah! I don't reveal anything until tomorrow afternoon! Die in your curiosity! (The real version is: I cannot write anything because I didn't have ANY idea, so you must wait tomorrow). Sorry. And I know is very... too much short, but see it like an explanation to the other parts! **

**There will be three part of chapter 5. The next will be "His nightmares one more time", and the last will be "Affection..." **

**:D AcqueCristalline **


	7. Feverish dreams part 2

**First: Thanks to Vicky Chan and thanks again to feefee223!! **

**Second: In this chapter, the flashback will be write so: _Flashback._**

**Third: Allen has about nine years in those chapters. **

"_You want to be alone? Start to think of that... sometimes, people, don't have anyone. Sometimes, people, are alone. It isn't better to have someone, even if this can bring some sacrifices?" _

**5- Two's feverish dreams part2: His nightmare one more time**

_I..._

_You're sorry? I don't care. It was better if I leaved you where I found you. You're only a burden. _

_You're wrong..._ He thought silently, shivering at the coldness of the place, sitting in the only spot where the snow wasn't falling.

_I don't care about you, go away._

_No...!_ Why was he doing this to him?

_Go away, Allen, go away._

_But... I'm alone..._ He hadn't no one to go, no place anymore to call "home".

_I already said that I don't care. Go away, I don't want you anymore._

But the only thinking of being alone made him shiver again _...no..._

_...don't want you anymore..._

"N-No!"

_Stupid monster... you're only this: a monster. Go away, I don't want you._

"W-Why!?" Little Allen screamed, finally broking out into tears "W-Why no on-e wa-...nts me...!?" He cried "Wh-y am I... alo-...ne?" And he rested his head on his knees, shaking no only for the chilliness, covering himself with his own arms to hold the warmth that wasn't anymore with him "I hate th-...e l-life!!" He yelled "Die is bet-... ter!! D-Die i-...s better!!" His closed while his teeth was clenching, maybe praying that something would take away his pain... _Why no one wants me...? Why am I alone? Why my parents... _He sobbed... _Why Mana..._

_Why you..._

"_**Allen, you know I'm not your real father, right?"**_

_I thought you will be... a father...?_

"_**Why they didn't want me... my parents?"**_

"_**Sometimes the people are afraid"**_

"_**Afraid? Of what?"**_

"_**You're too young to understand..."**_

_I was too young!? I know... I always know that this arm... _

"**_Aah!! Look at him! Look at his arm! He isn't human!"_**

_They were afraid of me..._

"_**Allen, don't be sad for what they said! They're just idiots!"**_

"_**B-But...!! Th-...ey s-said... they sa-...id... I'm not hum-...an!!"**_

"**_The people, sometimes, don't want to see beyond your appearance..."_**

_And you..._

_...you..._

"You're n-not diff-...erent!!" _Why are everyone scared of me!? Why am I born with this arm!?_

_Why I can't be a normal child!?_

_Why am I a monster!?!?_

"Mana..."

_I hate you..._

_No, I doesn't..._

_I hate... _

_Me?_

_---------------------------------------------------------_

"Damn! The snowfall is worsening..." Muttered Lavi, sharing with Lenalee a worried look: they were looking for Allen from about two hours, after he ran away at Mana's words but... they couldn't just find him and neither his younger version.

"Where could he be? I'm so worried..."

"I hope he doesn't meet any Akuma..." And at these words, like the image of what could happen ran through their mind, their speed increased, as their anxiety. Alone, into this blizzard with the risk of encountering Akuma because of the Innocence... he was in a serious danger.

"Lavi! We find him!" Lenalee suddenly yelled, a hopeful smile already on her lips, pointing at the image in front of her. They saw a glimpse of white hair... the tiny child was sitting in the only place covered by a little roof, where the snow couldn't touch him, but he was shivering extremely.

"He's the little one..."

"Why is he here?" Lavi looked puzzled "Why is he here!?" Repeated the girl, worry was walking through her words "He's..."

But the boy understood, when finally they approached him.

He was awfully pale, almost white like the snow; his azure eyes unfocused in front of him. He was shuddering, and the slightly traces of old tears were still evident on his cheeks. His mouth was opened, vaguely forming ghosts of words... but he was talking too much noiselessly to understand.

"Is he feverish...?" She asked, giving an apprehensive look at her friend.

"Maybe... damn! And we can't even touch him...!!"

"Lenalee, Lavi...?" A feeble voice talked behind them.

"Allen!" They turned back, finding their friend looking at them with heavy eyes.

"I was looking for..." He shivered "...you two"

"Us too... Are you okay?"

He swallowed, trying to ignore the pain inside his throat "I'm a little tired..." He tried to take a step, but miserly slipping on the cold ground; he fell.

"Allen!" Lenalee was already at his side, worried "Are you okay?"

"...my head..." His eyes closed themselves, frowning at the ache.

She put an hand on her forehead, knowing that he... "He has fever..." The exorcist told Lavi "We must take him somewhere else! We must find a place where we could make up a fire..."

"But the child...?"

Lenalee glared at him "He's only an image, even if he'll die, we don't care"

"You don't notice, don't you?"

"What?"

Lavi smiled a little "A couple of days ago, you remember little Allen fell and he got hurt at the right knee?"

She nodded, puzzled. What he was trying to say?

"Well... Allen didn't fall and we didn't combat Akuma that day, right?"

"Yes..."

"But the right knee of Allen was bleeding"

She stopped, understanding "You're trying to say that maybe they're connected!?"

"Allen wasn't ill this morning, and neither when he ran away" He looked at the already unconscious boy "But the little one was ill! And now the older, too!"

"But..." Her heart seemed to end its life, and a scared chill went through her "If it's true..."

"Yes, if it's true... if little Allen will die, the older one will die too"

"_It's not possible!!"_

_----------------------------------------------------------------_

In the first time, he didn't feel sorry but while the time was dieing... outside, the snowfall was worsening, and even inside the house was so cold that his breath was visible... _and Allen is here. _He thought, finally feeling the aching touch of the regret inside his heart.

Why did he slap him? Why did he say those damned words?

_**No wonder why your parents thrown away you...**_

Thinking about it, he felt bad at how he was been terrible with the poor child. _He didn't merit this..._ Just the knowledge of being abandoned by your own parents wasn't beautiful. And everytime being called a monster...

_Damn me..._ his only fault was to have a strange arm.

_Allen..._ How did he feel, when even the only one who loved him... thrown away him? To know to be alone, to be lonesome in a big world where no one wanted you, where the people screamed at you when they saw your arm... and feeling like a walking monster.

"Damn me..." He irately dried a little escaped tears "I must find him"

He walked away...

no, he ran away, leaving even the door opened.

"Allen!!"

**Well? It took me exactly two hours to write that... **

**Anyway, I don't understand one thing... after being cursed by Mana, Allen's eyes became red? **

**And wait for the final part of chapter 5 "Affection..."!!**

**:D AcqueCristalline**


	8. Feverish dreams part3

**Thanks to all reviewed me! I really appreciated that! But... In my story stats I saw that on "As a dream" I had like 788 hits. Well, I'm speechless 'cause of two reason: one, they are VERY MUCH who reads my story! Two, please... _please!_ It's so hard to make some reviews? I mean, only 13 reviewed me and who reads me are 788! It's not so difficult... **

**Come on, eh? I don't want to be boring, but this made me some sad... I ALWAYS reviewed what I read, so? Even only a "good\bad story" is fine for me! **

**Well, this is the finally part of chapter5! And I don't know how this turned out so sad... Well, the pain isn't finish, to their misfortune (You know... I must describe Mana's death, when Allen turn him into an Akuma, when Lenalee's parents were killed, and when she was taken away... for Lavi I decided to make a little more happy story!). **

**Good reading! **

"Will the starts glow this night?\Will the moon raise up?\Will the sun shine this day?\Will the clouds go back today...\It's so dull to stay here,\like no one waits you.\And maybe no one waits you,\maybe you're alone" **–Am I alone?- **

**5- Two's feverish dreams part 3: Affection...**

Slowly his eyelids, moving, leaved his light-blue eyes opened; and he blinked, feeling somehow... alive? Didn't he... die? But the heat, strangely mixed with an icy cold that went through his body like bolts, was real. _Real._

Outside, sited on the cold ground, he really thought he was going to die. He didn't feel never so awful... His entire body aching, and even if his eyes were opened, he couldn't see anything; he was shaking and crying, but simply, he was too weak to do something. But... he understood, and maybe it wasn't a dream. Just when he felt his mind went away, like being detach from your own body...

**_I don't want to die..._ **

He felt somewhat... _someone_ who touched him. And he had got up his head, but beyond a deep black, he couldn't see nothing but merely shadows.

Someone was here... but who?

"Allen! You finally woke up!"

He froze. _This voice...? He was... _

"I was so worried! But... you can't still get up!"

_Is it possible... him?_

"_Mana...?_" He whispered, feeling again tears came to his eyes. He couldn't turn...

"Are you feeling... any better?"

Little Allen saw the little, doubtful movement of the man, and this made raise up a burning rage. _Why!?_ He clenched his fist "...why..."

Mana hesitated "Had you say something, Allen?"

"WHY!?" He screamed "WHY ARE YOU HERE!? WHY!? LEAVE ME ALONE!" He stood up, but unstable on his own feet, he fell.

"Allen!"

"STAY AWAY FROM ME!!" He got up, shaking, still not looking at him "STAY AWAY!!"

"Allen, you're still ill!! You must..."

"DON'T SAY ANYTHING!! SHUT UP!! I DON'T WANT YOU!? YOU HEARD ME!? I DON'T WANT YOU ANYMORE!!"

"Allen, please...!! Your fever isn't stil-"

"WHY ARE YOU HERE!?" He shrieked again, feeling his heart beating crazily "WHY ARE YOU HERE!?" For an instant, his gaze went blurry. He wobbled, nearly falling once more "WHY ARE YOU HERE!? ANSWER ME!!"

"Because I care for you"

He stopped "What...?"

"I care for you" Mana repeated "And I'm sorry for what I said the oth-"

"Allen?"

The child was unconscious on the ground, breathing hardly.

"Allen!!"

_I don't understand... _

_dad... why... _

_Why you leaved me alone!_

_And now..._

_...now..._

_I just can't understand that..._

**---------------------------------------**

Beyond the little veil of the water, his reflex was examining at him like Allen was carefully watching every pieces of it, frowning. He was little? His eyes, one more time that pale blue and his hair was again of its deep brown. But it couldn't be... why the reflex was crying if he was motionless?

He tried to touch it, but his hand just came through that, only touching cold water, only wetting, and he sighed, like he already knew that his hand would pass beyond the reflex.

He stood up, looking around.

Where was he?

He already knew that place, and in the same time, he didn't know where he was. Was that his home?

_Home?_

He laughed... "I forgot! I don't have an home anymore!"

**_No wonder why your parents thrown away you. _**

He shuddered. Why didn't the recall of those word want to flee away? Why was it echoing into his mind like an endless requiem?

He was like the time stopped, that time... He sited on the water, wetting a little. Yes, the time stopped and he couldn't do a thing without feeling guilty, he just sat there, his eyes watery and focused on the wall in front of him, like it could take away his pain. His hands were trembling, and his body was starting to follow them, too; and without even knew, he stood up, wobbly on his feet, but willing to approach the door and escape.

Mana didn't say any words... destroying Allen's hope to feel a "sorry" and then a hug. Yes! Maybe everything would turn normal again! Maybe, Mana was just too angry and he didn't mean to say those words! Maybe... maybe he could feel the truly significance of "home" inside his heart, again. But...

_**the truth is so damned cruel!**_

...nothing came but the utter silence. And this, made him more sad, more desperate, more... why he didn't say "sorry"? Why didn't Allen have the guts of say "I'm sorry! You're right, it's my fault"? He could pronounce those little words, and the world would come happily to him, maybe a little irritated, but not alone. He could be with someone, now, warmly near the fear of his house... yes, his house... not "home"... why could we call it so, when it isn't anymore that?

_**But those words made him angry.**_

Eh... Allen didn't feel so angry like this time, feeling his heart knocking onto his chest's wall, crazily, and he didn't stop to cry. Mana didn't have the right to say that! Wasn't he... _wasn't he_ the one who talked about "bearing so wasn't your fault... it's... casualness". Ah, ah... casualness? But Hevlaska didn't say "destiny"? Was he an exorcist for a merely coincidence, or because of the fate? Well... anyway, he didn't like very much his life.

**_Allen Walker, in a dark future, you will be the destroyer of the time._**

Funny! The destroyer of the time!? The _time_ was destroying him! The time that turned back to show his life! The time that made him revive moments that he doesn't want to refresh! He had forgotten... he forgotten when Mana screamed those words at him...

**_No wonder why your parents thrown away you. _**

...,and now! Maybe he couldn't forget this anymore.

He screamed.

He screamed.

And he screamed once more.

But he didn't feel more fine; and instead of that, his heart seemed to burning like between flames, like a knife was cutting it into little bloody pieces.

"**_W-Why no on-e wa-...nts me...!?"_**

Hard to say.

"_**Wh-y am I... alo-...ne?"**_

But... what's the true meaning of the word "alone", in the first time? A child who went out to buy something for his mother, was alone? A man who was walking along a street, was alone?

No.

_No._

The true meaning of "alone" must be find inside the heart. Without home, without people, without love... this was "alone". Without anyone who waits you and happily says "Welcome back!" at your return. Without a place to return when you're weak, a place to be called home. Without the heat of a fire, without the warmth of one's love, without nothing... this was "alone".

_Alone._

And how the people were able to give that a so awful sound! Just hearing it, Allen shuddered, feeling worse, and... alone.

"Mana..."

"...come back!"

_I need you._

----------------------------------------------------

Allen suddenly woke up.

_That dream..._

"Allen! You wake up!!" And he even didn't have the time to turn, that Lenalee was already hugging him, crying softly.

"I'm... sorry?" He asked, unsure what to do. Did he do something wrong?

"Don't be sorry! It's not your fault! When we found you... you passed out on me! I was so scared! And only now you woke up! We had waited two days before you would open your eyes! And you was having nightmares on nightmares! And the little one... we were thinking that he wouldn't do that! I thought you were dieing!!"

"I'm sorry..."

_Does Mana forgive me?_

"...I'm sorry..."

_I hope yes..._

"I'm sorry"

**Good... I really liked how I wrote that! And I hope you will like that too! The next chapter will be finally how this end, and so his title will be "Give me strength, give me warm, give me love"**

**And... I ask one thing... in English "I love you" is for the true love (two "lovebirds"), for, at example, the love of a mother for her child, the friend love, the brotherly love... right? All the type of love! Is there a way to difference those? Because in my language "I love you" had two meanings:**

**Ti amo (lovebirds)**

**Ti voglio bene (for friends, brothers, ...) **

**So, I find so strange to write "I love you" when Mana (for example) is saying this words to Allen! Because this made me think of "Lovebirds" (I don't know how to say that in other ways!) **

**If someone knows somewhat, write!**

**And PLEASE**

_**PLEASE**_

**The ones who read me without reviewing... it's SIMPLE to review! Please! **

**:D AcqueCristalline **


	9. Chapter 6

**Thanks who _finally_ reviewed me! Grazie! Thankyou! Arigatou! Gratias! I'm finally a little more happy! **

**Well, now chapter 6! (And I thought about a thing... if I wrote the titles in Italian, this will be more interesting... I'm crazy, right?)**

**This chapter begins with LITTLE Allen, but I don't write "little" because I would be repetitive with the next phrase. **

**Good reading! **

**6. Dammi la tua forza, dammi il tuo calore, dammi il tuo affetto **

Allen started to wake up again.

Little by little, the room of his last dream came to light up his gaze. Blurry, and then clearly he could see its familiar frames...

The child couldn't nothing but remain in the bed, softly crying. He was home again... naturally feeling happy, but in a little spot of his heart a dreadfully regret was quickly rising. He didn't merit that... After what he did, he didn't merit anything: he was sure Mana wouldn't accept him anymore. The simply... the _nasty_ thought of that, was so awful that... He sobbed, how could he live, without anyone, without anything, in that huge world? How could he walk on, like Mana used to say, if no one would help him to stand when he fell? Ah, ah... the truth was so damned cruel, and he couldn't even understand why was happening. Already abandoned by his parents, why the fate was so unkind to leave him alone? When someone... when _Mana_ found him, maybe he couldn't remember nothing because he was too little, but he was sure... so sure, that that horrible cold, the cold of being alone, went away from his heart. And now... now it was there again, ready to kill his happiness and leave him desperate without anything, without someone.

And the door suddenly opened "Allen!! You woke up!! Are you feeling ok, now!?" And after the words of that familiar voice, little Allen felt a hand came to check his forehead "Oh, thanks God! Your fever has gone down!! I was so worried... you can't even start to know how I was worried...!" He voice shook while he was saying it, and little Allen naturally noticed it. Was... was Mana crying?

"I'm sorry..." He whispered "I'm sorry..."

He felt the man's arms raised him, hugging him "You don't have to be sorry... _I_ was wrong"

"...I'm sorry..." Mana didn't hear it.

"You know, I didn't mean to say those words... I'm so sorry, I was only... I wasn't giving attention at what I was saying... I'm sorry..."

"I'm sorry..." He couldn't understand why, but it was the only thing he could say... it was his fault, his fault of being stupid, a little stupid child... why Mana was saying sorry? He was right... "I'm sorry... you were right... my parents..." But it was anyway so damned hard to accept "my parents were right when the thrown away me, you're right..." He cringed "You're r-right... if you... i-... f you don't wan-...t m-me..."

"Allen, just what are you saying!? Naturally I want you! Why are you thinking like that!?"

"But...!!" Little Allen couldn't understand... he said... he said that he was wrong when he took him, and now... "You said... you said that you... why!?" Why everything was so damned confused!?

"I already said that... I didn't mean those words..."

"But..."

_It isn't right..._

"But!"

He wanted to stay with Mana, but in the same time he felt sorry of being with him... burdening him... and the man said that he didn't want him, but why now was he saying the opposite!? He wanted so hard to have a home to remain at, at home where someone waited you, but... if that someone was sad with you... "...why are you saying... I don't understand! I don't understand!!"

"You don't... what don't you understand, Allen? What are you saying?" He couldn't comprehend why the child was doing that...

"...you! You said you didn't want me! Why now... why now are you saying that... why are you accepting me... I'm burden! Why you want me!? Why _now _you want me!?"

"Because I care for you"

Allen suddenly stopped to cry, and he looked puzzled at the man "...what?"

"I care for you. And when someone cares for another, that someone accepts him... I don't refuse you, I was only angry when I said that. I didn't think"

_He was only angry...? Only...?_

"But..."

"Allen, you must understand: when someone is angry, he maybe says something he doesn't mean... I'm sorry if I hurt you, but I didn't mean to say those"

_He... didn't mean... he..._ "I'm sorry..."

"I already said that you don't hav-"

"But I'm sorry! About worrying you... I'm sorry if you were worried"

A little smile curved Mana's lips: he wasn't sorry about that... he understood...

He hugged the crying child "Yes, I know... but it wasn't your fault being ill. And cry isn't a very good way to heal, you know?"

"...then...?"

"Why don't we play something? What would you like to do?"

Allen muttered something.

"Eh? I don't understand... talk a little loud"

"...I want to help you in the spectacles **(if someone doesn't know, Allen says in the manga that his forester parents were performers)**... can I... do something?"

Mana smiled. _Really, he's so kind..._ "Naturally! What do you want to be? Maybe a clown?"

The pale face of little Allen suddenly lighted up "Really!? Can I!?"

"Yes!"

"Thanks, dad!!"

_Dad..._

_...what a beautiful word is..._

_-------------------------------------------------------------------_

Allen, outside, was watching the whole event. In the first time, he felt... even if he did know that Mana forgave him... like he was being refused: he felt a little "maybe" into his heart. But when those words

"_Because I care for you" _

came to his ears, a sudden happiness exploded inside him, and even if he didn't want to, he couldn't stop the _warm!_ tears.

Like was truly beautiful, sometimes.

**I know it's short, but it's very dense! Next chapter... well, it will be very, VERY sad. **

**I want to give you the list of the entire chapter I want to write... (maybe there will be some changing, but for now they're perfect, and if you have any idea to put in, tell me, I will write that, if I like it!)**

**7. Lo stesso dolore diviso in due (the same pain divided in two) ALLEN'S PAST**

**8. Parole senza significato (words without meaning) ALLEN'S P.**

**9. Il ragazzo maledetto (the cursed boy) ALLEN'S P.**

**10. Esorcisti e poker (Exorcists and poker) ALLEN'S P.**

**11. India ALLEN'S P.**

**12. Un demone immaginario (An imaginary demon) LENALEE'S P.**

**13. Portata via (Taken away) LENALEE'S P.**

**14. Colei che mormora di tornare a casa (The one who murmurs about going home) LENALEE'S P.**

**15. Caro fratello... (Dear brother...) LENALEE'S P.**

**16. Un sorriso (A smile) LAVI'S P.**

**17. Ma perché la benda? (But why the eye patch?) LAVI'S P.**

**18. Bookman... alias esorcista (Bookman... alias exorcist) **

**19. Fortunato, felice ma le sue lacrime non vogliono asciugarsi (Lucky, happy but his tears don't want to dry) LAVI'S P. **

**20. Confuso (confused) **

**21. L'orribile Innocence del Passato che si Risveglia (the awful Innocence of the Waking Past)**

**22. Il mio... passato? -dentro ad esso- (My... past? –inside it-)**

**23. Posso fermare il mio dolore? (Can I stop my pain?)**

**24. La vera bellezza dell'affetto (The true beauty of the love)**

**25. Sangue, ferite e sarcasmo (Blood, wounds and sarcasm)**

**26. Tornando (Returning)**

**27. Prima battaglia, l'Innocence si risveglia (First battle, the Innocence wakes) **

**28 (epilogue). Perché ti voglio ancora più bene... (Why I love you more...)**

**Ah! And if you have any ideas for Lavi's past (I already have one but I want to hear yours!), tell me! If they're beautiful, I will use them! **


	10. Chapter 7

**I don't like anymore this story... **

**I wrote the first and the second chapter in Italian, and they turned out like four pages each one. _Sooo_ good, this in English is like crap compared to them... **

**Well, I will write the chapters anyway, just to finish, but don't hope something "very good", because I really can't...**

**I would give you an idea of my "Italian writing", but probably NO ONE know Italian... why I'm not English??? **

**Anyway, if someone would know my "Italian chapter one" (it's a little different from the English one), I will put that in the next chapter, a special chapter or something like this... write if you want that chapter in the review: ****"yes, pleeeeeaseeeee!!!!!" or "no, don't want that. I don't like Italian craps", or "yes, I'm curious!", or "You're crazy? I don't understand Italian, why I would read something I don't understand??" (You can write these answers, I'll do not offend). **

**But, ANSWER. I prefer a "no, don't want that. I don't like Italian craps" instead of nothing.**

**Thanks!**

**Here we go, awful chapter 7... **

**7. Lo stesso dolore diviso in due part 1: THAT DAY**

Then, that day came.

The weather was not good and not bad: clouds filled the sky, but it wasn't raining. It was breathing a soft, strange, wind... like it wanted to say something, to told something, and they didn't know what was going to happen.

"It's a strange day..."

"Yes, this wind is making my entire body trembles!" Lavi said, smiling.

"I'm serious!! This is not normal... about two day ago, it was snowing! And now, this! I don't like that... there's something familiar..."

"It's your past. _Naturally_ it's familiar"

Allen gave at his friend an irritate gaze "I didn't mean that... I was only saying that maybe it's a day that I don't want to remember"

"In that day, the great Allen Walker..."

"Shut up!!" He wasn't in a good mood... he knew something was going to happen, something very bad, but he just couldn't figure out what day could be. His heart was beating crazily inside his chest, a strange sensation of fear into his entire body, his eyes were looking around to find something... someone. Where were him and Mana? His past seemed to far away...

He sighed, maybe he was just being paranoid, but inside him, in his unconscious, he was scared of find out that _maybe_... and that maybe he hopefully put it near "no", wasn't _that_ day. _That_ day it was flying a wind like that, but... Why was he so scared? He already knew that day was coming...

"Allen... are you okay?" He cringed, at Lenalee's voice, turning around.

"Don't worry, I'm only a little..." He laughed, nervous "I'm stupid, only this" He walked on.

The girl, gave a worried gaze to him, and after she came to Lavi, whispering "Allen has a strange behaviour... maybe..."

"What "maybe"? He knew that day was coming!"

"But... are you sure it's that day?"

"I don't know, but he was acting strange when Mana slapped him, too, before even known what was going to happen. Maybe... I know for sure, today isn't a fine day"

"Damn... I only hope... it isn't... I couldn't bear to see Allen if today is that day..."

"Let's hope, let's hope. Maybe the little one he's only going to have a discussion with someone!"

"But..."

"Lenalee, stop worrying!" Lavi gave to her a comforting look "It's not like we can do something about that..."

"You're right..."

"What are you two talking about? Laughing about me?" Allen had stopped, and he was looking at them with a frowned face "Well?"

"We weren't talking about you, moron! We're only saying that maybe you can do something about your hair. What about colour it black? No, no, no!!! Pink! What about pink!?"

"You're crazy..." Muttered Allen, going away.

"Hey! Don't run away! Pink is a really good colour!"

"Lavi, stop!" Lenalee said "He's not in the mood, try to understand"

_About five minutes later... _

"Do you know Lenalee, maybe it's really that day..."

"Please, don't say this, Lavi!!"

"Again!? Why are you two talking behind me like I'm not here?!?!" Allen, angry, yelled, making cringe his two friends "What's "that day"?!"

"Well..."

"I knew sometimes it would come! I knew!" He turned again "Stopping worrying about me and let's go!!"

"Allen..."

"_Let's go!_"

His two friends sighed... their only hope was the wish that "today" wasn't the day of Mana's death...

**Ah, ah... I write in this chapter something like "five minutes later"... I'm _sooo_ pitiful... "five minutes later"... what a stupid phrase... **

**I HATE THIS CHAPTER!! **

**I accept "bad" reviews...**

:-C AcqueCristalline


	11. Chapter 8

**Well... again me... **

**Thanks and thanks and thanks to who supported me, a little hope's again in my heart... thanks! Well, this is chapter eight! I hope it will be a little more readable from the other one... and I know, chapter seven was awful, I try to put all of myself into this, okay? **

**Good reading!**

**8. Words without meaning**

He couldn't understand...

He knew... he _always_ knew that day would come, but... to "think" and to "see" are different, and watching that in front of him was like a dream... a _nightmare_, to be exact. A nightmare came truth a long time ago, a nightmare that he didn't want to remember; to recall those emotions felt that time, like a painful knife put inside his heart, that was cutting his weak organ into little bloody pieces... a nightmare for his soul, for his mind, and again, he couldn't understand why...

He already passed through that, right? And then... as when someone insults you everyday, maybe the first time you feel bad, but after you will be accustomed with that... wasn't Allen accustomed with that day? those emotions?

One word: no.

Could someone feel good when one of his loved one, dies? Even if he lost everyday someone... the pain, the desperation of being alone, the... there wasn't even a word to describe that, the sensation of being pulled directly to the hell, _inside_ the hell, feeling the most unlucky, and...

_...and..._

The mainly, the worse thing of that was the... powerlessness. Could Allen do something? No. And because of that, the guilt raised inside you at a awful speed. Why couldn't I save him? Why couldn't I... and those were the questions inside Allen's mind, as he watched his little one screamed Mana's name.

_Why can't I move?_

_Why... am I feeling this... this..._

_...weak?_

Yes, he was feeling weak. He couldn't say why he was still standing: his legs were slowly giving up...

"Mana!! Mana, please, don't die!!!"

_Yes... don't die..._

_But I can't change my past..._

_...damn..._

"Don't leave me alone!!!" The scream echoed in the cold air like an endless requiem. Requiem for a death... requiem for Mana's death... And even if Allen wanted so hard to leave, to run away, he couldn't find the strength to do that, and he stayed still, a single tear ran on his pale cheek.

"Allen! Don't stop..." But it was clearly, even if he was talking... Mana's voice was so feeble, so feeble that even the sad wind was more audible... "...until you..."

Even in death, even now, the only thing he could say... the only thing he could think... "Don't stop until you die" Wasn't those the words of Mana? He always said those... Smiling, angry, sad... slowly dieing... But Allen hoped that inside those were a little "I love you, my son"

_My son_

He was that, right?

His son...

"...die..."

_He's dead... he's dead..._

_...he's dead..._

_I'm alone, now..._

"M-Mana...?" The little one gently shook his father's shoulder, trying to wake him from his endless sleep "No..."

_But it's real..._

"You can't be dead!!!"

_But he's dead... he's dead, damn..._

"Don't die!" Little Allen hugged the lifeless body of Mana Walker "_I don't want you to die!!!_"

_Me too... but... _

The life was just too cruel... to a child...

_But..._

He clenched his teeth, as he felt the tears came to wet his face "...w-...hy!? why..." The problem was always that, right? _Why_. Why everything happen? Why everything was so damned tough...

He screamed, punching hard the ground, and he screamed again, ignoring the bleeding hand of his. He screamed, feeling his tears to fly around him and then die on the earth, like Mana did... And he punched, the pain was nearly unbearable... but inside his heart. The injured hand was nothing, _nothing_ compared at what was his soul was feeling.

"Allen!!"

"Allen, what're you doing!?"

_Stay away..._

Lenalee and Lavi finally approached him, looking unsure what to do "Allen...?"

"_Go away!! Let me alone! I don't want you! I don't want nothing of you, now!!_"

But how he wished for a hug... for a warm hug...

He got up, and ignoring his friends' screams, he ran away, from them, but most, from his nightmare...

But, like the destiny wanted to kill him... he suddenly found himself inside a cemetery. A very well-know cemetery... and he heard a voice...

"Shall I revive Mana Walker for you?"

_Damn..._

**I'm proud of myself! I know isn't the most beautiful thing in the world, but... more than nothing, right?**

**And now, I want to put the first chapter of "As a dream" in Italian... I know NO ONE knows my language, but... I don't know why, I'm feeling like do this... **

**I'm so stupid, right?**

**Well, I can't say good reading, right? (Ah! And that poetry... I wrote that! It's like a prologue to the chapter... or something like this) **

_Lucciola nell'oscurità, **Fireflies into darkness,**_

_m'odi? **are you listening to me?**_

_Minuta lucetta che traballa, **Little light that totters,**_

_va, **goes,**_

_e torna. Mezza stella che s'incendia, **and comes back. Half-star that sets on fire,**_

_guarda, ascolta, canta; **looks, listens, sings;**_

_finto sole d'ali oscure **fake sun of fake wings**_

_che m'abbaglia. **that dazzles me.**_

_Raggi bianchi senza inganno **White rays without joke**_

_e t'ammiro, **and I admire you,**_

_narciso che saltella nella notte, **narcissum that skips in the night,**_

_senza gli astri **without stars**_

_d'ombre fatta. **made of shadows.**_

_Tu m'ascolti, mezza stella? **Are you listening to me, half star?**_

_Non fuggire, **Don't escape,**_

_che nel buio c'è del sangue **in the dark there's some blood**_

_che t'aspetta **that waits you**_

_che ti copre: **that coverts you:**_

_luce rossa... **red light...**_

_Tu m'ascolti, tu, ciliegia? **Are you listening to me, you, cherry?**_

**1. Lucciola nell'oscurità**

Dal sentiero che stavano percorrendo, la città appariva come un'infinita distesa scura. La luna era alta in cielo, piena, rossa come il sangue che scorreva nei loro corpi e sembrava sorvegliare le case addormentate nella quiete della notte; non un'anima popolava le strade. Le montagne formavano due dei lati della città, che s'arrampicava su di essi, fino all'ultima, remota casetta sulla cima del monte, ma poi si spaccavano, improvvisamente, lasciando andare la città fino all'orizzonte, e s'univa con esso. Un piccolo torrente scorreva nel basso del posto, così piccolo che potevano vedere soltanto una vaga linea azzurrina, che fosse in secca? Al centro della città, una cupola scarlatta dormiva silenziosamente, quasi a proteggere le case che le si avvolgevano intorno, come le strade, che formavano tanti raggi curvi intorno ad essa. Non sembrava che avesse fine... oltre i monti, si estendeva una pianura bagnata dal sangue della luna, e ogni sua piccola parte, era occupata da edifici, fino all'orizzonte, dove essendo troppo lontani,una massa scura era l'unica prova tangibile della sua esistenza. Non c'erano suoni, nemmeno un'animale che di notte entrava coraggiosamente per cercare cibo, o gufi, o civette... no, la vita sembrava scomparsa da quel luogo, come le case ormai abbandonate, finestre rotte, porte cigolanti e aperte, le piante che stavano iniziando a prendere il posto della città.

I tre entrarono silenziosi dentro ad essa, come spaventati che al minimo rumore un mostro sarebbe apparso ad assalirli, camminando così lentamente che...

"Fa paura questo posto, eh?"

Sobbalzarono, il cuore già partito che sbatteva terrorizzato sulla parete del petto, si voltarono, sudore freddo che scendeva lungo la schiena, sguardi che sembravano vedere solo mostri, le braccia alzate come a difendersi, la bocca pronta a invocare le Innocence...

Ma Lavi si limitò a sorridere divertito al loro sgomento "Dovreste guardare le vostre facce! Sembra che abbiate visto un fantasma!"

"Non farlo mai più!!" Risposero simultaneamente Lenalee e Allen, scambiandosi intanto un'occhiata sollevata "Diamine, Lavi..." Il ragazzo si portò una mano al petto, controllando i battiti che non s'erano ancora calmati "...vuoi farci morire d'infarto?"

Lui si limitò a sorridere "Ma dai! Era solo uno scherzo! Voi due prendete sempre tutto troppo seriamente... insomma, stavo solo dicendo che questo posto sembra un libro dell'orrore! Ne ho letto proprio uno tre giorni fa, sapete! Parlava di un fantasma che tornava in vita per vendicarsi..." Ma si accorse con dispiacere che i due erano già fuggiti nelle tenebre "Ehi! Perché non volete ascoltarmi!! Aspettami, moyashi!!"

"Il mio nome è A-L-L-E-N!!!" Si fermò, voltandosi a guardarlo, furentemente "Mi dici perché ti diverti tanto a chiamarmi il quel modo!?"

L'altro sembrò riflettere, ma poi mise sulle sue labbra un piccolo ghigno divertito "Perché sembri un moyashi. Anzi... lo sei! Allen-chan è un piccolo moyashi!!"

"LAVI!!!"

Il ragazzo scoppiò ridere, fingendosi poi spaventato "Ah! Il piccolo Moyashi-chan sta cercando di uccidermi!! Ahhh!" Si nascose dietro a Lenalee "Lenalee, aiuto!!"

"Lavi, Allen..."

"Si?"

"...la potete gentilmente smettere? Stiamo cercando un'Innocence e voi vi state comportando come due bambini!!"

Un improvviso rossore adornò le guance di Allen, che fortunatamente per lui Lenalee non notò, e i tre, silenziosamente, ricominciarono a camminare verso il centro della città.

"Pss!" Lavi s'avvicinò silenziosamente, tenendo sott'occhio la ragazza e bisbigliando "Perché sei arrossito?? Ti piace Lenalee, vero?"

Ma non ricevette la riposta che desiderava. Allen s'irrigidì improvvisamente, guardandolo con un occhio sbigottito e l'altro imbarazzato. E poi, come il sole sorge lento al mattino, un graduale ma forte rossore riprese a colorare non solo le guance, ma tutto il viso del ragazzo.

"Allen?" Anche Lenalee si era fermata, e lo stava osservando con un misto di preoccupazione e curiosità "Tutto bene?"

"Ah!" Lavi lo indicò, ridendo "Avevo ragione! Ti piace!! Ah, ti piace!!"

"Cos'è che gli piace...?"  
"Ad Allen piace Lenalee!!!!"

Mentre Lavi stava dicendo questo, i due ragazzi si stavano guardando, e all'udire queste parole centrate, arrossirono di colpo entrambi, distogliendo gli occhi l'uno dall'altro. E passarono alcuni istanti, prima che la situazione si ristabilisse.

"Adesso ho qualcuno con cui minacciarvi, sapete?"

"LAVI, IO T-"

"Shh!!" Le rabbiose parole di Allen furono improvvisamente interrotte dalla ragazza, che si stava guardando intorno come a cercare qualcosa.

"Lenal-"

"Shh! Stai zitto, sto cercando di ascoltare!!" I suoi occhi vagarono alla ricerca di una qualsiasi ombra che... ma non poteva essere vicino, perché il pianto era remoto, come il sospiro di un sogno, molto lontano da loro, ma dentro la città. Si, qualcuno stava piangendo, e anche freneticamente, pareva. E ora che ascoltava attentamente, ora che era riuscita a trovare la direzione di provenienza, s'accorse che chi piangeva non era altro che un piccolo bambino. Non lo vedeva, ma la voce era quella. Troppo sottile per essere quella di un adulto, o di un ragazzo, troppo acuta... ma perché, un bambino così piccolo stava piangendo? C'era quindi forse qualcuno, in quella città che suo fratello aveva dichiarato abbandonata? Un famiglia?

"Lenalee, cosa stai facendo? Io non sento niente..." Allen si era accorto dei sui movimenti atti a sentire qualcosa di lontano, ma le sue orecchie non udivano proprio nulla...

"C'è un bambino che piange..."

"Un bambino?" Si accigliò "Ma sei sicura? Komui-san aveva detto che era abbandonata questa città... che ci fa un bambino, qui?"

"Forse è una famiglia di passaggio... viaggiatori?" Propose Lavi, che pure lui non stava sentendo niente "E comunque sei sicura? Noi non sentiamo assolutamente nulla"

"Mah... forse me lo sono immaginata..."

"Sta arrivando qualcuno" Esclamò improvvisamente l'esorcista, guardando dritto davanti a sé, e lentamente dall'oscurità, emerse un'ombra silenziosa.

"Allen, è un Akuma?"

Allen non rispose, e rimase invece a guardare con... confusione quella figura. Quei contorni scuri, la lunga giacca, il cappello... dove li aveva già visti? Era una persona naturalmente, non un Akuma, ma questo lo sorprese ancora maggiormente, che fosse il padre del bambino? Ma non pareva che lo stesse cercando... Camminava così lentamente che pareva quasi immobile, e non un suono s'alzava mentre s'avvicinava.

_Un Noah...? _

Forse era uno di loro, e per quella ragione gli pareva famigliare, eppure... qualcosa, in fondo al cuore, gli diceva che era qualcuno di non pericoloso, qualcuno di cui ci si poteva fidare. Era quasi sicuro che fosse addirittura un loro alleato... forse era un esorcista dell'Ordine: erano in tanti, e chissà, magari l'aveva visto una volta, e ora non riusciva a ricordarselo.

Ma...

Sia il suo modo di camminare, sia come era vestito... la sua mente continuava a scavare sempre più a fondo nei suoi ricordi, come se lo conoscesse da parecchio tempo, come se... fosse addirittura qualcuno di caro. Si, Allen non era spaventato, anzi, aveva quasi l'impulso a salutare quella figura... e perché mai gli stavano bruciando gli occhi? Che fosse qualcuno che non vedeva da tanto? Ma non riusciva a ricordare...

"Allen, è un Akuma?"  
"No..." Quasi non sentì la propria voce, che fuoriuscì dalle sue labbra come un piccolo sospiro "Non è un Akuma, è una persona..."

"Che hai?"

"Lo conosco... ho già visto... da qualche parte, ma non mi ricordo..." Era quasi frustrante come la sua memoria lo stesse ingannando, eppure, era sicuro che fosse qualcuno di molto vicino...

"Lo conosci? Allora, è un nostro alleato?"

"Forse..."

"Forse?"

"Non ne sono sicuro..." S'avvicinò di qualche passo, incerto, sperando che lo sconosciuto arrivasse sotto la luna per farsi vedere, e la cosa strana, e che l'ombra sembrava non essersi accorta della loro presenza.

"Chi sei!?" Domandò Lavi, non ricevendo però risposta: la figura continuò a camminare verso di loro.

_Ancora pochi metri... e ti potrò vedere..._

"Sei sicuro di conoscerlo? Non sembra che lui ci conosca..."

"Non lo so! Ma..."

_Ma... L'ho gia visto! Da qualche parte, tanto tempo fa, l'ho gia visto!_

"Allen, ne sei certo? E se poi si rivela un nemico? Aspetta..."

_Non è un nostro nemico... è..._

"Allen?"

_...lui è..._

Un improvviso raggio di luce gli sfiorò il volto, illuminandone i contorni. Il pallido viso dello straniero venne alla luce, e Allen...

_...non è possibile!! _

"Allen, lo conosci? Io non l'ho mai visto..."

La domanda di Lenalee gli arrivò lontana e silenziosa come se non appartenesse nemmeno alla realtà.

_Non è possibile, questo... è impossibile... perché..._

"Allora? Lo conosci o no?"

_...perché..._

La vista gli si appannò improvvisamente, e cadde.

"Allen!"

Sentì a malapena il botto del suo corpo che colpiva il terreno, vide a malapena le ombre tremolanti dei suoi amici che gli gridavano qualcosa... ma non li sentiva. Perché lui era lì? Era impossibile...

"-len!"

"-n!!"

_E' impossibile... non capisco... perché lui..._

"-len!!"

"...Mana..."

Precipitò nell'incoscienza.


	12. Chapter9

**Sooooorry!! I'm so sorry! I took so long to update that… I'm sorry! But I was full with business with the school! Well, this is chapter 9... I hope you will like it! (It's nothing much... XD)**

**Ah! And little Allen thoughts will be written like this "...a_m I..."_**

"**_Is to want something, wrong essentially? But how you obtain it..." _**

**_Elena Agalei, -A twilight in a month-_**

**9- Il ragazzo maledetto (the cursed boy)**

"_Shall I revive for you the spirit of Mana Walker?"_

As he watched his younger one, slowly, raise his head to see the owner of the voice, a painful shot came through his heart. _Not again this... not again..._

"But..." The Earl continued "...in order to do that, I need your cooperation. More exactly, your voice, that has a connection with Mana"

The hope... he knew: little Allen was feeling the same hope he felt when those words hit his soul, the same happiness of being able again to hug his father, and not be alone. The same hope he felt as Mana's name was written on the Akuma's head, when he heard the man's voice... and the suddenly fear when he understood that it was all an illusion...

"...revive...?"

But why, again, was he feeling like that? Like he could believe in the Earl's words... even he knew very well, they were fake. Only fake diamond put in front of his eyes, and in the reality, merely grey rocks...

"Yes! I can take away Mana from the world you hate so much!"

_If I could change my past...!! _

"Mana..." And those world where filled with the deepest faith "Mana will return!?"

"Yes!"

And then, a suddenly light filled the whole cemetery, and from the nothingness behind the child... but little Allen didn't know what was, he only saw the light of the hope of hug again his father... but _Allen_... Allen knew: the body was only a box...

_...a box?_

_Ah, ah... a box!? It's a prison!!_

...a prison were a soul was taken, for the eternity, to kill and evolve... and he felt so guilty, to have turned his father into something so awful...

_I am a stupid..._

He sensed slight lines of tears came out of his now blurred eyes. He sensed them, but he didn't touch them... he didn't have any force, and he just continued to watch... despaired...

Little Allen got up, a unsure look into his pale blue eyes.

_**Am I right... doing this...? I only want to... see dad...**_

One step, two step, but he was still hesitant: what if was it wrong...? That skeleton body wasn't very good-looking... and... something, inside him, was screaming to the child: stop! You don't know what you're doing!!

_**But I only want to see dad... right...?**_

Was it a stupid reason? Was it... wrong? Want to see his only relative's face once more? To not be alone?

_**I'm right...**_

Yes, because the life was too cruel to him, too tough... he was only a child, and he was suffering more than anyone... and the cause of that...? The destiny? An evil God?

_**I'm right!!**_

He stopped, taking air... "MANA!!!"

And his voice echoed in the cemetery, on the wind, it echoed outside the graveyard, inside the city... and Lavi and Lenalee ended into their movements.

"What...?"

"I know that voice..."

"It's younger Allen's voice!!" The two looked each other, feared. Was... that time, already...?

"_Damn...!!"_

While, where the grave of Mana Walker rested, a huge red flame was covering the whole body of the Akuma. A star appeared on its forehead, and the name of Mana Walker was written under the pentacle...

_**Mana...!?**_

"Mana..." A relief... yes, there was relief into that name, because his dream, become reality, for the first time: the happiness was with him again!!

"A... llen..."

"Mana!!" He scratched his arms, tiny tears of gladness on his cheeks, the little hands readied to hold him, hug him... feeling him...

"How could you..."

He stopped...

**_...what...? _**His heart was hit with an hint of fear. Why Mana was talking with that tone...?

"_How could you turn me into an Akuma!?"_

_**What!?**_

He cringed. And now, that feeling of fear directly cut his mind. That voice... Mana wasn't merely mad, he was _furious_... but... deep, and only Allen**(the older one)** could see that: the gaze inside the eyes of Mana's soul were the proof... _I can see that... I can see his tears: he's crying! He isn't angry! He's sad!! Only sad... _Was it a relief? If he's younger one would know it... if he could say to him that Mana didn't hate him... he was only cheerless, but he still loved him...

"I curse you!! Allen!!"

The fright was now clearly visible on little Allen's face. But he just stayed still, nothing to do but watch his father, now attacking him...

...and a sudden sharp pain into his left eye. He fell on his knees, looking down... why was Mana doing that to him? Why was he hurting him? He... didn't love him anymore...?

**_Damn... my eye...!!_**

_**It hurts...**_

It was awful... and he could even feel the throbbing wound under the blood, the _spilling_ blood.

Allen, at the same time as his younger one was fell on the ground, he felt, an unexpected... very well-know ache inside his eye... his _left_ eye: the past was reflecting on him... _again_.

"Damn..." He dropped him too on the cold ground, stopping himself with one hand, the other one on the hurting lesion.

"Allen!!"

_Damn... I don't want they to see...!_

"Allen, are you okay?"

He felt Lenalee's hands approached his body... he felt her warmth near him.

"Go away!!"

He clenched his teeth: it was already enough hard without them, and now...!!

"Allen...?"

"Go away!! _Please!"_

He didn't want they to see...

"_Please!!"_

...to know _that_...

"How could you turn me into an Akuma!? I curse you, Allen!!"

He closed his scarlet eyes... it was _too_ much. _Too_ _much_. In the past... in the past was painful, yes, but _bearable_. To revive that, one more time, the pain inside his heart, inside his eye... Mana's voice screaming at him those words... again and again...

Again...

_Stop._

"I curse you!!"

_Stop that!!_

"Allen!"

"Are you okay!? Hey!"

_STOP!!!!_

"Allen!!"

_Please... just stop..._

His friends' voices became slowly far and more far...

_I don't want..._

...he fell...

_...them to know my pain..._

Then, the black, surrounded him.

_Mana...?_

Lenalee and Lavi watched their friend slowly lost consciousness "Allen!" They saw his crimson eyes closed, but tensed, as he was clenching them, as his whole face, and his body... was he suffering that much...? Was he...

"Allen...?"

"Lenalee, he's unconscious..."

She felt tear came to her eyes "Why the is Innocence... doing that?" She didn't want to see Allen in such pain... he already suffered so much...!! _"Why is the Innocence doing that!?"_ She screamed, leaving her tears to fall on the ground _"Why!?"_

"It's protecting itself..." Her friend answered, a sad smile onto his lips "...we must find its the soon possib-"

"AHHHH!!!!"

A suddenly screamed echoed in the air, making them turn... and the cringe: little Allen was watching... astonished and scared his left arm, changed into something new... and it was killing the Akuma... it was killing _Mana_...

_**What's this... WHAT'S THIS!?**_

"Mana!! Run!! Don't touch him!!" He screamed, like if an arm would ever hear him... "Please!! Don't do anything to him!! Run!! Mana!! RUN, DAD!!!!"

"Allen!!"

The time seemed to stop...

"I love you"

_**He loves me!? He STILL loves me!?**_

"Please..."

"...destroy me"

**_Destroy me!? No, no, no, no, no... I don't want that...!! I DON'T WANT TO KILL MANA!!_**

But... his left eye suddenly stopped to ache. Something new, something different... little Allen couldn't understand what was happening, but he felt as somewhat switched on inside his body... just inside his eye.

For the first time after two month...

...he watched Mana's pupils, Mana's face.

"_Please, destroy me..."_

Was it his soul!? Was it... pleading to him to destroy the body where he was a prisoner without free will...?

But he didn't want to...

_**I DON'T WANT TO KILL MANA!! I DON'T WANT TO KILL DAD!!! NO, PLEASE, THAT NO!! DON'T KILL HIM!!**_

"MANA!!!!"

_**Don't kill... him...**_

He felt hot tears, hot tears start to wet his cheeks... Mana wasn't anymore, again, with him... he killed him, he killed him... He was a murderer.

He was a _monster_.

_**No... Mana... sorry... sorry, I'm sorry... I didn't want... to... didn't... want to... to... sorry... dad… I'm sorry... I'm a... I'm a monster... I'm a monster... sorry... didn't want to...**_

"The souls inside an Akuma's body haven't free will. The only method to save them, is kill them"

"General Cross!?" Lenalee watched, surprised, even if she already knew, the man slowly approached the crying, silently child.

"You're a parasite type... what an unlucky destiny..."

_**I didn't want to... sorry...**_

The child felt an hand on his shoulder, and he turned back, looking at the exorcist "Why don't you become an exorcist?"

**Well... you liked that? It's not very good, but neither very bad! Right? After this, it will be the last chapter with Allen's past, "Exorcists and poker". Following, the first chapter with Lenalee's past: "An imaginary demon"**

**See you all soon! And REVIEWS!! EVEN IF YOU DON'T LIKE MY STORY!**

**:D AcqueCristalline **

**p.s. I forgot a thing... in the story suddenly, I don't talk anymore of how the Earl disappears... I forgot him, while I was writing that... and I didn't know how to remedy that... can you forgive me...:C**


	13. Moments

**Well... this is the last chapter! I put a poem written by me, to start the chapter. And... well, the chapter isn't a real chapter... you'll see!**

**Anyway, I didn't call it "Exorcist and poker" but "Moments"**

**I put two Japanese words... onegai (please) and shishou (master)**

**Good reading and I hope you will like it! XD **

Another day ends,

and I cry...

Another day ends,

but why am I there?

Alone

And silently... why there aren't anyone?

Another day ends,

and I dry with a distracted gesture those tears

come off with rudeness from my scarleteyes

come off with rudeness, but they come from my heart

come off with my "yes", but deeply I love them

and I dry with a lonely gesture those tears

that in the night fall...

And I miss you, I miss you, I miss you...

I watch the moon, and I smile,

but maybe something doesn't remain anymore,

and maybe, that something is lost forever, I know, I know

I know that so well,

and I cry.

When the day ends, his life,

inside his last complain of pain,

I cry,

alone... and I miss you, I miss you...

Another day ends,

and I cry...

Another day ends,

why aren't you there?

Alone

and silently... why am I mourning about those moments still?

Like needles made of gold, needles that however are painful

they enter

they overlap one on another

with insolence, with pain, with cry

those recalls

so beautiful, but they're painful, they're painful...

Why aren't you there?

Why did you leave me alone?

And maybe, like a flower in winter, I couldn't survive,

and I'm sorry,

maybe I hadn't time, maybe I hadn't strength... but the gust gave up

it gave up and I did what I did

(you know)

but do you forgive me?

Because I don't forgive me, I mourn you,

I would you...

Don't you remember? The inglenook, you fired up, to give warm to our tired hearts,

however... that inglenook, is now off, in my home there aren't anyone anymore...

That inglenook, I miss that, like I miss you, again and again...

Another days ends,

and I dry with a distracted gesture these tears

come off with insolence from my eyes,

crimson,

like the blood that comes from my heart

like a night of full moon, that lights up with rubies,

like a lonely night, a night like this

and I'm alone

and I cry

maybe because I want, maybe because I'm sad...

But maybe, because I feel so, and I don't even know the cause,

maybe I cry because I miss you, maybe I cry because no one hugs me

like you did...

But it turn back? You turn back? You will turn back?

What demands I ask to myself... like a dreamer who waits a ghost ship,

like a child who waits silently what can't arrive,

but he's me,

right?

Silently child who waits in this night of moon, child forever and never,

child who hopes, but he knows it's all fake...

The life, is so not right, child who suffers, lonely, child without home

without mother

without _father_

but where were you? You who took me, you that wanted me,

even the "no" of the other, even I was different.

You wanted me.

And thanks.

Thanks so much.

I love you, but do you love me?

I love you, but do you remember me?

And I cry,

in this night inside my heart,

and I cry

because I'm alone, and I cry, I cry

because you're not there to hug me

in the silence of the stars

that burn

in the sky,

do you remember... we used to look those together! And you told me

the most shining

laughing

why is your laugh blurry, now? Blurry just because of a fog...

but I don't see nothing,

and your face appear disappear

into my dreams, into my nightmares... I hear a man talks

and I turn back

searching for you, but you're not there, and so I ask myself

with that pain into my heart, I ask, without know

and without answer:

why is the life so wrong?

Why do the life hate me?

And I ask myself, into this everlasting night,

without any answer...

Why did the sky stole my only star?

Because into my everlasting night, inside my scarlet and lonely night,

someone stolen my only star,

you,

that glowed into my sky, illumined the darkness who surrounded me,

illumined something of my sadness...

who stolen it?

Into one instant, and I was just alone, and your were here

you're here

alone under three metres of ground, you're alone, and no one remembers you.

Anyone but me.

Look at me, onegai,

everywhere you are,

look at me, onegai,

don't abandon me...

Look at me, everywhere you are,

do you still love me?

Because I do,

And everyday more.

Don't abandon me, onegai,

because it sounds strange

but I still need you,

you,

blurry shadow into my recalls

smile who illumines a morning of rain

smile who illumines a scarlet night,

you,

dad,

where are you?

I still love you...

...you know?

But where are you?

I need your hands,

around mines, I need your guts

'cause I don't have it anymore,

I need your smile, because I forget how to do this,

but I smile...

You, my only star of the night,

where are you?

Where did you go?

And I cry, into this lonely night, and I cry, without no one.

And I dry away these golden tears of mine,

and my scarlet eyes move a last time, to research yours,

but I don't find anything...

And I cry, in this lonely night, but the sun goes up,

and a voice calls me...

...a voice calls me...

I still love you,

dad,

you too?

Onegai, give me a "yes", onegai, onegai... because I cry, and I still love you.

I cry,

and you love me?

Give me a "yes", onegai, onegai... because my tears are only for that,

I cry...

Are you listening to me, everywhere you are?

Onegai, tell me you still love me,

dad, tells me, because I still remember you...

With love,

your Allen.

**10. Moments**

_12th August,_

_Today, we must find some money... _I_ must find some money, because Master doesn't want to. I think I maybe play some acting in the circus that is now in the city. I would like to! Master will kill me, if he'd know... he wants me to gamble! But I will NEVER do something like that! Why can't I do what I can!? I can do street performance! Then! But he doesn't want me do something like that... because he said I'm ridicule and I'm stupid wanting to do something like that... it's heartless... Mana would let me! Mana always lets me do what I want!! Always..._

_Nine months are passed, eh...?_

_Still now, I cannot stop to feel guilty... Well, I'm the one at fault, right? To do something like that... I was a stupid! A stupid child... And maybe Master it's right while he's saying "stupid apprentices" and all the various insults he always says to me... Even at night I have still those nightmares! It's horrible... I revive, and revive, and revive that night. It's horrible to revive the same thing once more and once more! And I feel guilty everyday a little more... _

_Mana... I think I really missed him... he was so gentle! Not like Master, always angry with something or someone! And he did act like a father! But Master... noooo! I know: a master isn't a father! But he isn't acting like a master neither! He isn't even human! Yesterday he was angry with me because a man took our last money! He's really heartless... the man was gigantic! Enormous! And he even punched me! I was in pain, and he screamed to me! _

_(Well... after, he followed the man... and he "destroyed" him… but he didn't do that for me! But because he wanted back the money! I was happy when I heard the man already expended all!!). _

_I hate him!_

_I want to run away! But really, when I think about that... where could I go? I don't have an home anymore... anyone... where could I run? I'm only a child... The only thing I'm able to it's acting a clown or destroy Akuma! It's sad... I really would like to go back..._

_Stupid, I'm crying again..._

_In the first time, I cried all the time! I couldn't stop crying, the first months! Everytime Master asked me to tell him something about my past, I ended cry! He called me stupid, idiot, dim... but I just couldn't stop... now... well, I tell him all my past, but sometimes, I cry... like now. _

_My hands started to shake! But I don't want to become loud. I don't want to wake up Master! He would kill me if I do that, 'cause of something stupid like cry. It's night now... I write that every night, because I don't he knows about my diary... if he ever read that..._

_I don't know why I'm writing this, but I feel a little more good, after. _

_But now, I have to go… if I don't sleep now, tomorrow morning I will be like a walking zombie! _

_I hope to do some good dreams! Lately I dream only nightmares..._

_A.W._

------------------------------------------------------

_15th August,_

_Master is a good person, really! When I told him that I want to play a role in the spectacle, he let me do what I want! He even went to watch me!(I SAW HIM SMILE!!!) I was really happy! And I gained a lot of money, too!!_

_The spectacle wasn't so difficult... I played as a clown, and the director was so happy because I was good! _

_I can't stop to smile!_

_Everywhere you are, dad, are you proud of me...? I'm doing exactly what you said..._

"_Go on" "Don't never stop"_

_You used to say to me those words, right? I'm keeping my promise! I will never stop! Never! _

_I hope you're happy! _

_A.W._

_-----------------------------------------------------_

"_Shishou_, don't you stand out too much when you wear that coat around?"

"Foolish disciple... I'm different than you are, moron"

"What good would it do on our end to hide from enemies that are unable to be seen? This is coat is target. If I do this, I'm able to suspect all of those that closen themselves to me"

"In order to protect those that must to be protected, you must resolve to make yourself a target to them. Can you bear that burden, Allen?"

"...I wonder if this fear exists in you, Allen"

_**(anime: episode 13 –together with a coat-) **_

------------------------------------------------------------------

The sun was finally raising up from the mountains on the horizon. It was strange... but on the days when Allen's past was living, never that daily star was visible. Moon, rain, but never the happy sun. It wa strange, really...

When the past started to disappear, Allen, Lenalee and Lavi were watching. Allen a little distant from his friends, a sad look, scarlet eyes posed on the cold ground, as he looked at his younger one, who was slowly turning into nothing. The images were still moving, but nearly invisible, like ghosts, and the boy was feeling a sensation like that... fear, even if he knew they weren't phantoms, even if he finally understood, and accepted... but he was scared, because after, what will happen?

_Why did the Innocence show my past?_

_Why me?_

He didn't want thoughts like those... but he was envious: his friends didn't have to revive all of their past.

"_Shishou! An Akuma!"_

"_Shut up, moron!!"_

"_But... there are _three_ Akuma!!"_

"_I don't care. I leave all to you!"_

"_WHAT!?"_

Allen laughed: really, his master was an irresponsible person... but he wanted him, and that was the important. And finally, the images disappeared, leaving a smiling Allen, not alone, inside the city.

**Well? Good? Bad?**

**It's not very much... The next chapter will talk about Lenalee's past, "An imaginary demon". **

**Bye bye!!**

**:D AcqueCristalline **


	14. An imaginary demon

**1st: This is the first chapter with Lenalee's past! So, I hope you will like it!**

**2nd: After her chapters, I will write Lavi's past... but, because I don't want to invent all of that (I'm lazy... XD. No! I'm kidding! I just want to have not a "my" story, but an "our" story... it's more beautiful, right?), I write a few questions, and how you will respond to it, my story will be in that manner!**

**1: Humorous or serious story?**

**2: Where would you like me to put Lavi's birthplace? (imaginary cities, too)**

**3: Do you want me to show Lavi's parents? And if you answer "yes", how would you like them to be?**

**4: Why did he live with his grandfather?**

**5: How did he end to have an eye-patch?**

**6: When did he discover to be a compatible?**

**7: What Hevlaska said about his prophecy? (you know, like Allen's: "..._you will be a destroyer of the time..._)**

**8: How did he become Kanda's best friend?**

**9: Did he ever have a "love story" with someone?**

**10: And if you have other ideas:D**

**(and please... PLEASE!! ANSWER!!) **

**Anyway, good reading!**

"_Do not believe in what you see, do believe in what you do not see"_

**12. An imaginary demon **

"_Mom!! MOM, DAD!!!"_

I never told them how my childhood was, where I lived, with who.

"_Don't kill them!! DON'T KILL THEM, YOU MONSTER!!"_

I never told them that my parents where killed by an Akuma, I never told them how I was desperate and sad after their death, and how I wished, for a while, for the Earl to appear...

"_NOO!! MOM!! DAD!! MOM!!!"_

And... I never told them that my only safety was my brother, even if I told them I fought for him.

"_Brot-...her... b-brothe-...r... m-mom and d-...ad..."_

But... the Innocence decided itself to show them my past... and I didn't how...

_...how damned hard is to revive everything..._

----------------------------------------------------

When the sun finally raised, the three exorcists were already up to search the Innocence from about two hours. The cause was that they didn't want to see another past, Allen's, Lenalee's, Lavi's... it was been just so hard on him -they boy was still a little depressed even if he acted like he was fine for not worry his friends- and they didn't want to live that... So, they were determined to find the object, even if it didn't want to be found...

"We already search for it for a week! Where could be that damned Innocence!?"

"Maybe... maybe it's not even in the city..." Allen replied, sighing: he was hating that mission.

"Don't be stupid! If it's not in the city, why your past showed _in_ the city!?"

"Maybe becaus-"

"Are you fine Lenalee?" Lavi suddenly said, looking at his side, and Allen turned back, not really understanding what was happening...

Lenalee was still, motionless in the centre of the road, looking straight in her front. He eyes are pointed on the boy's visage, but he knew... he _knew_ she wasn't looking at him: she was thinking.

"Lenalee... are you okay?"

"That smell..." She whispered, still not moving "That smell... I know it..."

"What smell?"

"What're you talking about, Lenalee?"

But she didn't answer, and slowly, they saw an extremely frightened expression came to embellish his face. What was she talking about? A smell...? But even if they were trying to sniff the odour, nothing was...

"Mom!! _MOM, DAD!!!"_

They cringed, and then...

That... that voice, strangely was nearly identical to Lenalee's... but... it couldn't be hers, right?

_Right?_

In the while, Lenalee was looking scared at the place where the scream came from. She knew it... she knew it very well, that scream... Why did he echo in the city? Was... she cringed... was the Innocence showing her past?

But she didn't want to see...!! She didn't want to see again... _that_...

_Those memories!_

"Lenalee, are you okay? You look pal- Lenalee!!"

She fainted.

_I don't want to see..._

_...sorry, brother, I'm not strength enough..._

_Sorry..._

**This is veeeeeeeeery short, I know, I know... but... this is the first chapter, so, it's like a prologue! A prologue can be formed by few words, right?**

**Well, I hope you liked it! Bye, bye!!**

**:D AcqueCristalline **


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